the image reflected in a picture is but an illusion. However, even if its an illusion, wishing to hold onto it is one of the hollow dreams humans have. – Sebastian Michaelis (Black Butler)
Just want to start the day over….
Today has started out like any other, waking up the mondaine and I thought it would teeter to the side of good, that is until I got to work. It started like any other day, I opened the doors, and started the coffee. Just keeping to myself because everyone else is annoying,mostly I’m just not in the mood and half of them don’t make me smile. Well once I did sit down, I am already in trouble with an email from the GM for a shipping issue that was working on being resolved on Friday, but was not due to it being good Friday. So it carried over and I was to continue fixing it. To then be greeted multiple times by people who are grouchy either phone or in person. Then thru all of this to find out it was our fault anyways. specifically mine on this particular order. We are to change out the shipping area on our POs, which I don’t ever remember doing on any of them. Just not it has become an issue in my 2+ years here. Plus both ladies seem crabby. So today is going just swimmingly. Not to mention the country music today is all sad love songs. -_-
Simple as that, I feel empty.
I feel lonely now, all I have are the memories of the joy you would bring. No matter what day or how it was going to going a way to make me smile. Took some of the stress away. Even the days that were compelete shit were just knowing I had someone there, was enough. Now I’m alone. I have my day to day hey ,hi’s, how are yous? But none that mean anything that hold validity. Do I care how they respond? Not really only to the point of are you going to be crabby at me today… it’s only day 2 since the incident happened but a lonely two days it’s been at work. Being such a great friend maybe even a best one, I hope the best for you and your future. I just hope that we will stay in touch, bc I confided a lot in you and now all that had been torn away. Good luck Erik I know you will do great. You have a social and charming personality you will do great!
The tragedy of life is in what dies inside a man while he lives – the death of genuine feeling, the death of inspired response, the awareness that makes it possible to feel the pain or the glory of other men in yourself. Norman Cousins
Instead I lay awake next to your sleeping body. Wondering. Why I can’t find the rage I had so many times before. The one where I’m strong enough… The one where I can say no I deserve better. I lay here wondering how it is he can keep going if he’s noted so many times he’d be single or I’m wrong to these other girl when he doesn’t tell them to me. Or if I bring it up it’s all of a sudden not a problem bc we had either agreed on it or it apparently wasn’t really a problem to begin with. Clearly it must be if it’s important enough for you to tell these girls it’s a reason I’m a bad girlfriend. And how you might ask do I know these things…. yes yes I have lost trust so long ago. I’m living in what seems to be a rose tinted world with him. I learn by being snoopy. Am I proud? Do I get any satisfaction from it? No not at all. Not ever really. I know everyone I do I am brought 10 pegs down from where I was. I learn how much more worthless I am. Over all this emotion and anger and bullshit I still look at him and just break down. I’m a coward. I fucking pansy ass good for nothing coward. It’s been 3+ weeks and I’ve barely made progress. I was so sure I could do this… I still hope one day I can get the courage to finally end this torment.