When I  should be sleeping. 


Instead I lay awake next to your sleeping body. Wondering. Why I can’t find the rage I had so many times before. The one where I’m strong enough… The one where I can say no I deserve better. I lay here wondering how it is he can keep going if he’s noted so many times he’d be single or I’m wrong to these other girl when he doesn’t tell them to me. Or if I bring it up it’s all of a sudden not a problem bc we had either agreed on it or it apparently wasn’t really a problem to begin with. Clearly it must be if it’s important enough for you to tell these girls it’s a reason I’m a bad girlfriend. And how you might ask do I know these things…. yes yes I have lost trust so long ago. I’m living in what seems to be a rose tinted world with him. I learn by being snoopy. Am I proud?  Do I get any satisfaction from it? No not at all. Not ever really. I know everyone I do I am brought 10 pegs down from where I was. I learn how much more worthless I am. Over all this emotion and anger and bullshit I still look at him and just break down. I’m a coward. I fucking pansy ass good for nothing coward. It’s been 3+ weeks and I’ve barely made progress. I was so sure I could do this… I still hope one day I can get the courage to finally end this torment. 

The Sparkle is gone


I miss you, but you don’t seem to miss me back

I can tell in the way you act,

the way you talk to me

and how you don’t ever think of me first.

The I love you texts are left with out response,

The casual conversations barely exist.

I can see there is no flame in your eyes and no passion in your heart.

You do want is minimally expected unless you were drunk.

That’s when all the love yous and XO’s come out.

You tell me you love me but there is no heart or soul heard with in it.

Its as tho the words are a knee jerk reaction to me saying it to you.

You stopped holding me tight long ago, but you wont admit

I am no longer special in your eyes



I look into your eye and they shine while mine stay dull,

Your soul shines through, glimmering with your intent

I sit across from you and wish I knew what it was to be you

To feel like you had purpose and meaning in life

Seeing you with another the love you have for them

I want that feeling, I want to know what its like to be loved unconditionally.

Staying Focused


There’s those days that are just harder to get thru and the others that zip by so fast you blinked and missed it. Today is one of those days that feels like its dragging on. Which I need to get some photos done and I literally ditched out on a birthday party not on purpose but everyone was shooting I had been at the range since 12. The part arrived between 1-2 and the birthday didn’t start until about 2:30. I wasn’t going to shoot and wasn’t feeling very good. So I left. I was out of my element. I didn’t really talk to anyone but my friends dad who is always a dear. But when it came to shooting i was back to no one. So yeah I felt bad but I couldn’t help but my fight or flight kicked in and all I wanted was OUT, just to GET OUT NOW. So I left. I mean Bill left with his friend and brother to play games and I said that was fine he would have had no one too. I dont like to initiate conversation much anymore I just feel out of the loop with that group of friends and I just don’t fit anymore. I love Dani and I always will. But I am becoming more pathetic, more secluded, and detached. But on the other had I was not feeling very well and I do have work to do which I am currently taking a break from. I suppose I should go back to work tho. YAY -_-