Just like Friday

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Today started out like any other day all fine and dandy. As the day hit over half way thorough it’s pizzazz began to fade. Thoughts, exhaustion, and annoyance creeped in due to little triggers. Nothing I supposed I shouldn’t have let effect me and damn did I try to keep those thoughts out but they always win. Friday was game day at bills. I was supposed to attend, unfortunately I had delved far into my depression as to not wanting to attend anything do anything talk to anyone let alone see anyone. Today was the same ordeal I had made arrangements to hang out after work today but as the day progressed I had the same downfall. The thoughts of not doing enough not helping enough started rolling around, and then anxiety kicked in on the drive home. The anxiety of my mom and her always “yelling” at me about my dog. The fact I cant do anything with out having to answer for it, or bring my dog. But yet staying in my room with him isn’t good enough either. It just keeps rolling from there to then my relationship (s) with my friends, my boy friend, my past. They turn into thoughts of worthless-ness, self hate, depression, self pity, anger, useless, dumb. The list keeps going and all of this rotates and plays its own story, over and over scenario by scenario, all with the same outcome that in the end its better with out me. But I could never actually do anything about it. I haven’t for years, I am still here. its been lets see probably started around middle school high school and wasn’t just a phase. 2005-2006 is probably when this all hit pretty steady. I used to manage it so damn well. Theses days are getting harder and harder, because the less and less i want to do, since all I’m going to do is get yelled at, the silent treatment, or the snippy attitude. I am tired of it tired of fighting. I am 25 and I feel like I’m on house arrest all the time. I just want a place to call my own, but that wont be for a long time. It may not fix my personal issues but it would help ease a lot of the anxieties. I mean out of ALL my friends I and ONE, yes ONE that will come over and hang out with me here. I feel bad because there really isn’t a lot to do, but I appreciate it. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to come over, hell I don’t even want to be here. Don’t get me wrong I do love my mom very very much but I’d like it to be from another living space.

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