So this weekend kind of sucked. It was nice in the terms of not doing anything. Well until the guilt of not doing anything set it, then I started not having such a good day. I had no motivation to doing anything at all I literally spent all day Saturday in bed. I finally mustered up enough guilt to do the dishes, well most of them at least. Not I wanted to do other things like figure out what I was going to wear this coming Friday, which is the Costco holiday party. I have no idea what I am going to wear and its really really stressing me out my anxiety is really really high and I even had a break down tonight driving back from the store thinking about it. I think my anxiety is getting out of control and my depression then kicks in hard-core and I then become really self hating and destructive and cry and just imagine every way possible I can get in a car crash and die. I see no reason why my boyfriend should want to be with me. I hate everything about me, the way I look the way I think, the way I act, the way I breathe, the way I exist. I just don’t see why I should even deserve anything. I’m completely useless, I have accomplished nothing, I provide nothing, I create nothing. So why do I need to even be around. I do often think how better off everyone would be with out me. Especially my boyfriend, he should just really find someone who is better suited for him. I’m not pretty, he should be with someone who is more attractive. I don’t do anything, he deserve’s a more active and game playing girlfriend. I chicken out, I get to anxious about social events that I will back out of them because of either I look stupid and don’t want to show my self in public to embarrass him or that there will be a lot of people I don’t know and wont know and I get super uncomfortable and nervous. I just think it is getting worse and worse with each passing week.