When I  should be sleeping. 

Instead I lay awake next to your sleeping body. Wondering. Why I can’t find the rage I had so many times before. The one where I’m strong enough… The one where I can say no I deserve better. I lay here wondering how it is he can keep going if he’s noted so many times he’d be single or I’m wrong to these other girl when he doesn’t tell them to me. Or if I bring it up it’s all of a sudden not a problem bc we had either agreed on it or it apparently wasn’t really a problem to begin with. Clearly it must be if it’s important enough for you to tell these girls it’s a reason I’m a bad girlfriend. And how you might ask do I know these things…. yes yes I have lost trust so long ago. I’m living in what seems to be a rose tinted world with him. I learn by being snoopy. Am I proud?  Do I get any satisfaction from it? No not at all. Not ever really. I know everyone I do I am brought 10 pegs down from where I was. I learn how much more worthless I am. Over all this emotion and anger and bullshit I still look at him and just break down. I’m a coward. I fucking pansy ass good for nothing coward. It’s been 3+ weeks and I’ve barely made progress. I was so sure I could do this… I still hope one day I can get the courage to finally end this torment. 

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2 thoughts on “When I  should be sleeping. 

  1. Erik says:

    You can do it. You aren’t any of those negative things. I know, I see you everyday. You will reach a breaking point, one day, where you say enough is enough. His selfishness is the main problem here. He decides to do it this way cause he can’t be a man about it and tell you how he feels. It is not you. Never has been. Not based on the love I see in you.

  2. A friend says:

    Change is always scary. The things that life throws at us of its own free will on what seems like a constant and unrelenting basis is overwhelming. Then, when we see something we want to do but it will add more to the shit storm, it’s hard to justify it. Even if we don’t like where we are, at least we KNOW where we are. It is safe, it is easier than the unknown. You never are or have been weak. You are incredible. Period.
    “Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it”

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