I just wish i had that one best friend that i could always talk to and share stuff with, do silly random adventures with and they wouldn’t be just a friend they would be basically my right hand lady my go to person a female that would and could break me out of my shell, I wouldn’t ever feel like i have a self confidence issue with them an that we would always be able to boost each others mood even if its just sitting in a room doing nothing together because you don’t want to me alone. Ive had a few potentials but they all come and go and as of now i feel like its to late… i cant open up like that. Ive shut out many by accident and my depression and anxiety have only made it farther and farther away.
Don’t get me wrong. I love mike and he is far more then I deserve in a partner, being caring, helpful and always ready to do anything i could just about ever need or ask for. But sometimes u just want someone you can shoot the shit with rant to rely on and i feel through out my years I’ve become secluded in that. I see social media portraying friends of mine and their posts about the best friends and me realizing i don’t have that anymore, some days i am okay with that. I have me my dogs and my amazing boyfriend. But then theres days where I get super jealous i guess id call it about wanting and missing that other person the have that kindnof connection with. Not a lovers connection but that no holds no bs lets just be basically inseparable (but separable) best friends. I get life can get in the way but it can also be a part of the experience.
How do I even start trying to explain how useless, worthless and un nessary of a pathetic being I am. I’m 27 and i feel my life is not going anywhere. Im just a fuck up… i cant do anything right. Expecially at work. Im 10 points away from loosing my bonus ( maybe less now I don’t know) and maybe a few more then that to being told I may not have a position. I really do try to be be helpful, and use full. But Ill never be indispensable.
And yes I am sitting in my car… working on my crying to I can go do my cleaning job I’m filling in for. How pathetic am I….
This morning on my way entering work
Today started out very tense and quite, its wasn’t the best situation. Luckily after a bit it got a bit more lively. Because this week has been so stupid and just everything had been working against me. Even the little things were going wrong like I tried 4 different coffee shops in a day and ALL of them were closed. Now mind you this is a time frame of like 9am- 8pm. Every place I ordered food it was incorrect. This all started Sunday night when I realized my *new* 3ds was stolen with all my games and case out of my car. Which if you know me you know that is one of my items I often have on me just about everywhere I go. I have put years of play/work into some of those games like Animal Crossing. So I have been rather distraught and frustrated about that. But then starting Monday morning I went to go “fight” a parking ticket which was completely pointless and a waste of time. Then tried to find coffee and food which is when I slowly started to piece together all the stuff taken from my car. Coffee was closed. Missed work for no reason, Still had to pay and deal with the traffic and parking in Milwaukee. Work was relatively active. Going thru the week this kept happening with wrong food being received and little things like this where it’s not generally a big problem it’s just it kept rolling on and on one thing to the next.
Then yesterday I got in trouble at work again, I feel this happens on a bi-weekly basis where I am just a shitty worker I keep fucking up and it just got to the point I just broke down and cried in my car to Loop about it. I was just so done with it all. He was very sweet about it and when I got home and out of the shower he had gotten me Popeyes mashed potatoes because he know I really like them a lot and made me soup because that’s what I wanted so he had it all ready with notes in the kitchen for me. I was simple but it really did help make me feel better. But yeah as of yesterday I was ready to just throw in the towel and say fuck it to everything. But since then I have bought a Red *new* 3ds and been working on formatting that. Been on the hunt for my missing games to replace and start over. Just looks like I will be playing a lot of DS in my future. Be seriously steal any ANY other consoles but by DS and SEGA and I wouldn’t have been so upset. Easy to replace or deal with but those to I have worked so hard on.
New exciting news is I am an aunt again. Nephew number three Casey Arden 6lbs 8oz 20in was born on Monday. I have officially taken on Tonya’s cleaning job driving to Grafton every day until she is able to return to work, it’s a long drive there every day. But hopefully its only for the month.
Well, this morning started out not as planned. I got my usual goodbye and went back to sleep for a little bit. Only to then when I wake up I gander at my phone and catch up on missed messages. I was hit with some messages I didn’t want to have to deal with prior to work. Yes, they made me cry, brought back the reality of hurt and I knew this would come soon if not being told I would have made the decision bc the weather is nice. I need to collect my stuff and leave Bills life. It’s not an easy thing but he’s correct. He was gracious enough to wait this long. I feel the connection we had and think about it and we were good when the times were going well. But then it all fell and I remember the reason I needed to leave. This time was just a follow thru unlike the other two. The first was the ultimatum I would have ended it, the second was over more lies. well, the third time came and I was pissed and depressed and very unhappy to the point of just not fucking caring anymore. Was I perfect in any of this? NO, not at all. But when you have to go thru two times of being asked to not break up you would think they would get a hint of changes. No that’s not how that works. I probably should have used my words better. But so should you. I am struggling to get thru life on a regular basis but I at least am feeling better where I am currently I have the love of someone new, and that alone is a learning curve and struggle to figure how a new person works and operates. Unfortunately, with this new turn in life, I do feel I have lost a lot of connections that were once there. People who I would talk to at least on a weekly basis are even distant. I didn’t think it would be that difficult but I don’t blame any of them. Just sucky I feel like I’m slowly closing up again. Not being social, not being able to talk to people, not wanting to even go an do stuff anymore. Everything is slowly becoming too much and I’m slowly reverting I think. I know this is all my fault, and mine alone. But its just annoying, and don’t get me started on work, that’s a whole other stress and irritation in its self. I just easily tire of life and wonder why I can’t enjoy it as much as others seem to. Am I doing it wrong? In my eyes somehow I am.
I love when these youtube comedian singers come out and sing a serious song. They have such beautiful voices I’m glad that they do these. This song I stumbled on becuase I follow TobyTurner, aka Tobuscus and such its worth giving this song a listen to. It reminds me of when Julian smith did his song called b-story. Take a moment and watch both of these!
Today is a day full of thought and doubt. Its filled with the what if and now whats. I have to keep reminding myself its not easy and I cant slip back to the relationship I was in just because of the good times. I have to remember why I left. These posts I see about giving up and not trying cuts deep, it hurts. If makes me feel like shit and then I have to think about that yes I did try. I almost left once before in that relationship, I was asked to stay and try again. I did, I agreed to be your player two as your note asked. You promised change then, and there was none we continued on thru our lives nothing different. We fought then, and you for sure thought you would be single by the time you went to Florida, you spoke to many about either that you were going to possibly be single after that fight or that you actually would like to find someone new, someone with better interest. I have to remind myself of these things and not stray.
the image reflected in a picture is but an illusion. However, even if its an illusion, wishing to hold onto it is one of the hollow dreams humans have. – Sebastian Michaelis (Black Butler)