Uncertainty 

One moment you are the one. The next moment you will cause pain and sarrow. 

Life is chance and choices. One wrong move and you changed EVERYTHING. Once was right is wrong and vise versa. But the joke was on me. Sad thing is I knew it was to good to be true. 

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The Sparkle is gone

I miss you, but you don’t seem to miss me back

I can tell in the way you act,

the way you talk to me

and how you don’t ever think of me first.

The I love you texts are left with out response,

The casual conversations barely exist.

I can see there is no flame in your eyes and no passion in your heart.

You do want is minimally expected unless you were drunk.

That’s when all the love yous and XO’s come out.

You tell me you love me but there is no heart or soul heard with in it.

Its as tho the words are a knee jerk reaction to me saying it to you.

You stopped holding me tight long ago, but you wont admit

I am no longer special in your eyes

Love

I look into your eye and they shine while mine stay dull,

Your soul shines through, glimmering with your intent

I sit across from you and wish I knew what it was to be you

To feel like you had purpose and meaning in life

Seeing you with another the love you have for them

I want that feeling, I want to know what its like to be loved unconditionally.

Staying Focused

There’s those days that are just harder to get thru and the others that zip by so fast you blinked and missed it. Today is one of those days that feels like its dragging on. Which I need to get some photos done and I literally ditched out on a birthday party not on purpose but everyone was shooting I had been at the range since 12. The part arrived between 1-2 and the birthday didn’t start until about 2:30. I wasn’t going to shoot and wasn’t feeling very good. So I left. I was out of my element. I didn’t really talk to anyone but my friends dad who is always a dear. But when it came to shooting i was back to no one. So yeah I felt bad but I couldn’t help but my fight or flight kicked in and all I wanted was OUT, just to GET OUT NOW. So I left. I mean Bill left with his friend and brother to play games and I said that was fine he would have had no one too. I dont like to initiate conversation much anymore I just feel out of the loop with that group of friends and I just don’t fit anymore. I love Dani and I always will. But I am becoming more pathetic, more secluded, and detached. But on the other had I was not feeling very well and I do have work to do which I am currently taking a break from. I suppose I should go back to work tho. YAY -_-

Tomrrow

So I’m quite nervous for work tomrrow. It is either going to hopefully be okay or the worst choice having to continue working dreading everyday working with people who are all on the look out for them selves and are not at fault or talk behind your back or just hates your interaction. I have no one at work except for Erik and I feel we get the most shit. The most spat on . Yeah I’m not trying to justify the way thing are/were handled was the most appropriate. I just hope that that one more chance is give . I need Erik at work to get me thru the day. To help me hate the day just less enough I can go to work. I can’t stand the daily get up everyday. I need keep anything good I have going. I love my friends and I need certain ones in certain places. And I’m afraid of the day I loose those. I open up about certain topics to few people and I don’t feel regret, Erik is one of these people. I guess I just don’t know what work will be like with out him since he’s been there since I started and taught me how to build our machines. Idk what it would be like if he’s not there anymore.

Isn’t he the Cutest

I have always had a dog, need less to say I don’t think I could ever go with out one again. Last time I did was Before Toby, and having a dog is more then just a pet for me. A dog is my baby, my 1 thing I love over anything else. I imagine how I feel about my dog is how parents should feel about their kids. I have a connection to dog something I think not all people have. I love coming home to this little face everyday, with his happy little tail. He make my days better.

Sleepy puppy
Sleepy puppy

Just fuck…….

The days drag on one by one more and more useless and unfortunate as the next. Little excitement here and there. It’s days like today I wonder what I’m even good for. What have I accomplished in life. What is the point of seeing tomrrow. Work was shit today and I absolutely hated it.  Consider the idea maybe I should get a different job maybe I am to useless for my position at work. And then I go on because tomrrow is a new day.