Instead I lay awake next to your sleeping body. Wondering. Why I can’t find the rage I had so many times before. The one where I’m strong enough… The one where I can say no I deserve better. I lay here wondering how it is he can keep going if he’s noted so many times he’d be single or I’m wrong to these other girl when he doesn’t tell them to me. Or if I bring it up it’s all of a sudden not a problem bc we had either agreed on it or it apparently wasn’t really a problem to begin with. Clearly it must be if it’s important enough for you to tell these girls it’s a reason I’m a bad girlfriend. And how you might ask do I know these things…. yes yes I have lost trust so long ago. I’m living in what seems to be a rose tinted world with him. I learn by being snoopy. Am I proud? Do I get any satisfaction from it? No not at all. Not ever really. I know everyone I do I am brought 10 pegs down from where I was. I learn how much more worthless I am. Over all this emotion and anger and bullshit I still look at him and just break down. I’m a coward. I fucking pansy ass good for nothing coward. It’s been 3+ weeks and I’ve barely made progress. I was so sure I could do this… I still hope one day I can get the courage to finally end this torment.
So tonight I am watching Good burger for the first time. Its quite amusing. Its a good break from the day. Since today has been pretty terrible. I still am not adequate enough for my boyfriend, There are still woe is me comments made to other girls for attention. for example: I’m home alone again. to then have them reply with oh no why and its really unnecessary answers and some woe is me’s and you should be here’s. I’m sorry I have some plans, whether or not you want to join me are up to you most things I will not force you to do anything. We still live together like two people who live together but that’s more or less it. There is no romance, there barley was. Its a rather boring relationship. I have become so doubt full in the relationship its really sad. I have no trust. How’s am I to trust someone who doesn’t tell others hes happy with me who doesn’t tell me hes happy with me. How am i supposed to believe anything he says when he tell others something different. We have discussed this, it clearly didn’t resolve anything. It just turned us to now seek “relations” in other places if we so desire. I just want to have someone tell me they love me and show me they care. Something I am just not worthy of.
So this weekend kind of sucked. It was nice in the terms of not doing anything. Well until the guilt of not doing anything set it, then I started not having such a good day. I had no motivation to doing anything at all I literally spent all day Saturday in bed. I finally mustered up enough guilt to do the dishes, well most of them at least. Not I wanted to do other things like figure out what I was going to wear this coming Friday, which is the Costco holiday party. I have no idea what I am going to wear and its really really stressing me out my anxiety is really really high and I even had a break down tonight driving back from the store thinking about it. I think my anxiety is getting out of control and my depression then kicks in hard-core and I then become really self hating and destructive and cry and just imagine every way possible I can get in a car crash and die. I see no reason why my boyfriend should want to be with me. I hate everything about me, the way I look the way I think, the way I act, the way I breathe, the way I exist. I just don’t see why I should even deserve anything. I’m completely useless, I have accomplished nothing, I provide nothing, I create nothing. So why do I need to even be around. I do often think how better off everyone would be with out me. Especially my boyfriend, he should just really find someone who is better suited for him. I’m not pretty, he should be with someone who is more attractive. I don’t do anything, he deserve’s a more active and game playing girlfriend. I chicken out, I get to anxious about social events that I will back out of them because of either I look stupid and don’t want to show my self in public to embarrass him or that there will be a lot of people I don’t know and wont know and I get super uncomfortable and nervous. I just think it is getting worse and worse with each passing week.
I did the taboo. I read them. And I regret every bit of it. Bc now I’m crying laying next to him and he won’t even know it’s his fault.
So today was a day that was unlike the rest. I have hit a bit day of depression. I have huge in securities and I don’t know what else, they lead into anxiety and some times vise versa, it is all bundled in a big ball of depression and self loathing. I hate that I am over weight. I hate the way I can not comprehend simple reading things. I hate I can not remember show(T.V./ Movie) detail let alone life details. That I suck at organizing. I can not prioritize thing (especially at work; apparently) I don’t see the point in life, in my presents. What is the point of me even still being alive. Why should I be here, stay here, live none the less. It is something I don’t care for.
I say it often and almost every time I talk to someone about my depression, I love Toby he is what keeps me around. He is my Love and my soul purpose for living everyday. He never hurts me he loves me unconditionally and best of all he PICKED ME!!! Out of all the people he could have chosen, it was me i was grassed with the best dog. I have never done anything to really stand out from the rest of my family to have him choose me but he did, and I am thankful. Like I said if he wasn’t so attached to me I don’t know what i would have done the past 10 years of my existence. Toby has been there every time. No matter what i am always good enough and don’t need to prove my self to him. He is always happy to see me, and absolutely my baby.
Well this took a whole different turn then I expected. I still feel like shit but i know Toby is my go to. and I don’t deserve him. I hope you are having a lovely day and that I did not bore you or bring you down in anyway. If so I am sorry, and have a good night.
He will never be happy with me, just complacent
He will never want only me, just sometimes, maybe….
He will never feel how I feel, even if he thinks so
He will never know, the way I wish to go
He will never love me, how he does everyone else
He will never know how everyday I wish to die.