Today has started out like any other, waking up the mondaine and I thought it would teeter to the side of good, that is until I got to work. It started like any other day, I opened the doors, and started the coffee. Just keeping to myself because everyone else is annoying,mostly I’m just not in the mood and half of them don’t make me smile. Well once I did sit down, I am already in trouble with an email from the GM for a shipping issue that was working on being resolved on Friday, but was not due to it being good Friday. So it carried over and I was to continue fixing it. To then be greeted multiple times by people who are grouchy either phone or in person. Then thru all of this to find out it was our fault anyways. specifically mine on this particular order. We are to change out the shipping area on our POs, which I don’t ever remember doing on any of them. Just not it has become an issue in my 2+ years here. Plus both ladies seem crabby. So today is going just swimmingly. Not to mention the country music today is all sad love songs. -_-
Simple as that, I feel empty.
Instead I lay awake next to your sleeping body. Wondering. Why I can’t find the rage I had so many times before. The one where I’m strong enough… The one where I can say no I deserve better. I lay here wondering how it is he can keep going if he’s noted so many times he’d be single or I’m wrong to these other girl when he doesn’t tell them to me. Or if I bring it up it’s all of a sudden not a problem bc we had either agreed on it or it apparently wasn’t really a problem to begin with. Clearly it must be if it’s important enough for you to tell these girls it’s a reason I’m a bad girlfriend. And how you might ask do I know these things…. yes yes I have lost trust so long ago. I’m living in what seems to be a rose tinted world with him. I learn by being snoopy. Am I proud? Do I get any satisfaction from it? No not at all. Not ever really. I know everyone I do I am brought 10 pegs down from where I was. I learn how much more worthless I am. Over all this emotion and anger and bullshit I still look at him and just break down. I’m a coward. I fucking pansy ass good for nothing coward. It’s been 3+ weeks and I’ve barely made progress. I was so sure I could do this… I still hope one day I can get the courage to finally end this torment.
So tonight I am watching Good burger for the first time. Its quite amusing. Its a good break from the day. Since today has been pretty terrible. I still am not adequate enough for my boyfriend, There are still woe is me comments made to other girls for attention. for example: I’m home alone again. to then have them reply with oh no why and its really unnecessary answers and some woe is me’s and you should be here’s. I’m sorry I have some plans, whether or not you want to join me are up to you most things I will not force you to do anything. We still live together like two people who live together but that’s more or less it. There is no romance, there barley was. Its a rather boring relationship. I have become so doubt full in the relationship its really sad. I have no trust. How’s am I to trust someone who doesn’t tell others hes happy with me who doesn’t tell me hes happy with me. How am i supposed to believe anything he says when he tell others something different. We have discussed this, it clearly didn’t resolve anything. It just turned us to now seek “relations” in other places if we so desire. I just want to have someone tell me they love me and show me they care. Something I am just not worthy of.
So this weekend kind of sucked. It was nice in the terms of not doing anything. Well until the guilt of not doing anything set it, then I started not having such a good day. I had no motivation to doing anything at all I literally spent all day Saturday in bed. I finally mustered up enough guilt to do the dishes, well most of them at least. Not I wanted to do other things like figure out what I was going to wear this coming Friday, which is the Costco holiday party. I have no idea what I am going to wear and its really really stressing me out my anxiety is really really high and I even had a break down tonight driving back from the store thinking about it. I think my anxiety is getting out of control and my depression then kicks in hard-core and I then become really self hating and destructive and cry and just imagine every way possible I can get in a car crash and die. I see no reason why my boyfriend should want to be with me. I hate everything about me, the way I look the way I think, the way I act, the way I breathe, the way I exist. I just don’t see why I should even deserve anything. I’m completely useless, I have accomplished nothing, I provide nothing, I create nothing. So why do I need to even be around. I do often think how better off everyone would be with out me. Especially my boyfriend, he should just really find someone who is better suited for him. I’m not pretty, he should be with someone who is more attractive. I don’t do anything, he deserve’s a more active and game playing girlfriend. I chicken out, I get to anxious about social events that I will back out of them because of either I look stupid and don’t want to show my self in public to embarrass him or that there will be a lot of people I don’t know and wont know and I get super uncomfortable and nervous. I just think it is getting worse and worse with each passing week.
I did the taboo. I read them. And I regret every bit of it. Bc now I’m crying laying next to him and he won’t even know it’s his fault.