How

How do I even start trying to explain how useless, worthless and un nessary of a pathetic being I am. I’m 27 and i feel my life is not going anywhere. Im just a fuck up… i cant do anything right. Expecially at work. Im 10 points away from loosing my bonus ( maybe less now I don’t know) and maybe a few more then that to being told I may not have a position. I really do try to be be helpful, and use full. But Ill never be indispensable.

And yes I am sitting in my car… working on my crying to I can go do my cleaning job I’m filling in for. How pathetic am I….

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Its not getting easier.

Well, this morning started out not as planned. I got my usual goodbye and went back to sleep for a little bit. Only to then when I wake up I gander at my phone and catch up on missed messages. I was hit with some messages I didn’t want to have to deal with prior to work. Yes, they made me cry, brought back the reality of hurt and I knew this would come soon if not being told I would have made the decision bc the weather is nice. I need to collect my stuff and leave Bills life. It’s not an easy thing but he’s correct. He was gracious enough to wait this long. I feel the connection we had and think about it and we were good when the times were going well. But then it all fell and I remember the reason I needed to leave. This time was just a follow thru unlike the other two. The first was the ultimatum I would have ended it, the second was over more lies. well, the third time came and I was pissed and depressed and very unhappy to the point of just not fucking caring anymore. Was I perfect in any of this? NO, not at all. But when you have to go thru two times of being asked to not break up you would think they would get a hint of changes. No that’s not how that works. I probably should have used my words better. But so should you. I am struggling to get thru life on a regular basis but I at least am feeling better where I am currently I have the love of someone new, and that alone is a learning curve and struggle to figure how a new person works and operates. Unfortunately, with this new turn in life, I do feel I have lost a lot of connections that were once there. People who I would talk to at least on a weekly basis are even distant. I didn’t think it would be that difficult but I don’t blame any of them. Just sucky I feel like I’m slowly closing up again. Not being social, not being able to talk to people, not wanting to even go an do stuff anymore. Everything is slowly becoming too much and I’m slowly reverting I think. I know this is all my fault, and mine alone. But its just annoying, and don’t get me started on work, that’s a whole other stress and irritation in its self.  I just easily tire of life and wonder why I can’t enjoy it as much as others seem to. Am I doing it wrong? In my eyes somehow I am.

When I  should be sleeping. 

Instead I lay awake next to your sleeping body. Wondering. Why I can’t find the rage I had so many times before. The one where I’m strong enough… The one where I can say no I deserve better. I lay here wondering how it is he can keep going if he’s noted so many times he’d be single or I’m wrong to these other girl when he doesn’t tell them to me. Or if I bring it up it’s all of a sudden not a problem bc we had either agreed on it or it apparently wasn’t really a problem to begin with. Clearly it must be if it’s important enough for you to tell these girls it’s a reason I’m a bad girlfriend. And how you might ask do I know these things…. yes yes I have lost trust so long ago. I’m living in what seems to be a rose tinted world with him. I learn by being snoopy. Am I proud?  Do I get any satisfaction from it? No not at all. Not ever really. I know everyone I do I am brought 10 pegs down from where I was. I learn how much more worthless I am. Over all this emotion and anger and bullshit I still look at him and just break down. I’m a coward. I fucking pansy ass good for nothing coward. It’s been 3+ weeks and I’ve barely made progress. I was so sure I could do this… I still hope one day I can get the courage to finally end this torment. 

The Sparkle is gone

I miss you, but you don’t seem to miss me back

I can tell in the way you act,

the way you talk to me

and how you don’t ever think of me first.

The I love you texts are left with out response,

The casual conversations barely exist.

I can see there is no flame in your eyes and no passion in your heart.

You do want is minimally expected unless you were drunk.

That’s when all the love yous and XO’s come out.

You tell me you love me but there is no heart or soul heard with in it.

Its as tho the words are a knee jerk reaction to me saying it to you.

You stopped holding me tight long ago, but you wont admit

I am no longer special in your eyes