Just want to start the day over….
Instead I lay awake next to your sleeping body. Wondering. Why I can’t find the rage I had so many times before. The one where I’m strong enough… The one where I can say no I deserve better. I lay here wondering how it is he can keep going if he’s noted so many times he’d be single or I’m wrong to these other girl when he doesn’t tell them to me. Or if I bring it up it’s all of a sudden not a problem bc we had either agreed on it or it apparently wasn’t really a problem to begin with. Clearly it must be if it’s important enough for you to tell these girls it’s a reason I’m a bad girlfriend. And how you might ask do I know these things…. yes yes I have lost trust so long ago. I’m living in what seems to be a rose tinted world with him. I learn by being snoopy. Am I proud? Do I get any satisfaction from it? No not at all. Not ever really. I know everyone I do I am brought 10 pegs down from where I was. I learn how much more worthless I am. Over all this emotion and anger and bullshit I still look at him and just break down. I’m a coward. I fucking pansy ass good for nothing coward. It’s been 3+ weeks and I’ve barely made progress. I was so sure I could do this… I still hope one day I can get the courage to finally end this torment.
I miss you, but you don’t seem to miss me back
I can tell in the way you act,
the way you talk to me
and how you don’t ever think of me first.
The I love you texts are left with out response,
The casual conversations barely exist.
I can see there is no flame in your eyes and no passion in your heart.
You do want is minimally expected unless you were drunk.
That’s when all the love yous and XO’s come out.
You tell me you love me but there is no heart or soul heard with in it.
Its as tho the words are a knee jerk reaction to me saying it to you.
You stopped holding me tight long ago, but you wont admit
I am no longer special in your eyes
I look into your eye and they shine while mine stay dull,
Your soul shines through, glimmering with your intent
I sit across from you and wish I knew what it was to be you
To feel like you had purpose and meaning in life
Seeing you with another the love you have for them
I want that feeling, I want to know what its like to be loved unconditionally.
The days drag on one by one more and more useless and unfortunate as the next. Little excitement here and there. It’s days like today I wonder what I’m even good for. What have I accomplished in life. What is the point of seeing tomrrow. Work was shit today and I absolutely hated it. Consider the idea maybe I should get a different job maybe I am to useless for my position at work. And then I go on because tomrrow is a new day.
Today plain sucks. I don’t have a reason, I just know feel like I am in a huge funk. The moment I woke up this morning I felt off and going on thru the day its just gotten worse. I have no clue what has got me so meh about the day. Slowly but often the thought of uselessness and self hate comes and goes. I don’t like to do anything anymore I’ve become a hermit in terms of socialization. I hate the idea of leaving my apartment. All I ever want to do it sit in the corner of my couch curled under my blanket lay there I don’t even need anything to watch or listen to. Just lay there in the silence absent minded from the world and life around me. Waiting for the next day to come along and hope its better or at least easier to get thru.
I have not got a chance to post in a while. Unfortunately to long, and I am hoping to fix this. There are so many times that I want to post but lately (meaning like the past month) I have been falling asleep at like 8:30 pm or 9 pm. It has been so annoying and when I get free time it isn’t not free I am doing something. Currently I am house sitting with a boxer until the 14th. And tonight I leave for Ohio because tomorrow is Goetta Fest in Cincinnati. Then I come back to House sitting for the next week and I am off to Door County to help with my cousins clothing shop boutique. Out of all of this I still need to work on wedding photos which I have not had a chance to do a lot with, and it is stressing me out. I don’t have a lot of just chill time lately its usually by the time I get to sit down. I fall sleep. Then I am perpetually tired. Its like a vicious never ending cycle. I hate it! I wish I cared for more then I do, but lately my days are just merged together and nothing is exciting. I hope this weekend goes well. I look forward to see Diera, even if it is only for a day. Well Thanks for reading I must get back to work for my break is over. Good Day!
I miss my baby boy Toby. He was put down last Friday and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He was my life for the past 14 blessed years of my life. His birth day was 4/16 and we had a little party for him that Sunday (4/24) Unfortunately he had been declining in health due to arthritis and his recent diagnosis with a cancer tumer. Monday the 25 I took him into the vet for a check on him due to pain, by that afternoon I made the call back to the vet to have him put down. It was the worst call of my life. Having to be the sentencer of death to my one love. He had always been there for me, thru all of it. He’s the one who kept me going when I would want to end it all. he would be there and i knew I couldn’t leave him, he would not know what to do with him self, and I couldn’t abandon him he meant to much to me. People could and would move on, Toby not so much. I owe a lot to that dog. I had him put down in my apartment on 4/29 at 1:30pm. Work was wonderful thru all of this, and I at least got to stay home that whole week with him. It gave my friends and family time to say good bye. I appreciate everything everyone had done for me that week it was beyond anything I could have ever expected. The bad thing is I go home and all I can do is sleep to refrain from thinking about him. I miss him so much.