How do I even start trying to explain how useless, worthless and un nessary of a pathetic being I am. I’m 27 and i feel my life is not going anywhere. Im just a fuck up… i cant do anything right. Expecially at work. Im 10 points away from loosing my bonus ( maybe less now I don’t know) and maybe a few more then that to being told I may not have a position. I really do try to be be helpful, and use full. But Ill never be indispensable.
And yes I am sitting in my car… working on my crying to I can go do my cleaning job I’m filling in for. How pathetic am I….
Instead I lay awake next to your sleeping body. Wondering. Why I can’t find the rage I had so many times before. The one where I’m strong enough… The one where I can say no I deserve better. I lay here wondering how it is he can keep going if he’s noted so many times he’d be single or I’m wrong to these other girl when he doesn’t tell them to me. Or if I bring it up it’s all of a sudden not a problem bc we had either agreed on it or it apparently wasn’t really a problem to begin with. Clearly it must be if it’s important enough for you to tell these girls it’s a reason I’m a bad girlfriend. And how you might ask do I know these things…. yes yes I have lost trust so long ago. I’m living in what seems to be a rose tinted world with him. I learn by being snoopy. Am I proud? Do I get any satisfaction from it? No not at all. Not ever really. I know everyone I do I am brought 10 pegs down from where I was. I learn how much more worthless I am. Over all this emotion and anger and bullshit I still look at him and just break down. I’m a coward. I fucking pansy ass good for nothing coward. It’s been 3+ weeks and I’ve barely made progress. I was so sure I could do this… I still hope one day I can get the courage to finally end this torment.