The tragedy of life is in what dies inside a man while he lives – the death of genuine feeling, the death of inspired response, the awareness that makes it possible to feel the pain or the glory of other men in yourself. Norman Cousins

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My baby boy is gone…

I miss my baby boy Toby. He was put down last Friday and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He was my life for the past 14 blessed years of my life. His birth day was 4/16 and we had a little party for him that Sunday (4/24) Unfortunately he had been declining in health due to arthritis and his recent diagnosis with a cancer tumer. Monday the 25 I took him into the vet for a check on him due to pain, by that afternoon I made the call back to the vet to have him put down. It was the worst call of my life. Having to be the sentencer of death to my one love. He had always been there for me, thru all of it. He’s the one who kept me going when I would want to end it all. he would be there and i knew I couldn’t leave him, he would not know what to do with him self, and I couldn’t abandon him he meant to much to me. People could and would move on, Toby not so much. I owe a lot to that dog. I had him put down in my apartment on 4/29 at 1:30pm. Work was wonderful thru all of this, and I at least got to stay home that whole week with him. It gave my friends and family time to say good bye. I appreciate everything everyone had done for me that week it was beyond anything I could have ever expected.  The bad thing is I go home and all I can do is sleep to refrain from thinking about him. I miss him so much.

Just another break down.

So this weekend kind of sucked. It was nice in the terms of not doing anything. Well until the guilt of not doing anything set it, then I started not having such a good day. I had no motivation to doing anything at all I literally spent all day Saturday in bed. I finally mustered up enough guilt to do the dishes, well most of them at least. Not I wanted to do other things like figure out what I was going to wear this coming Friday, which is the Costco holiday party. I have no idea what I am going to wear and its really really stressing me out my anxiety is really really high and I even had a break down tonight driving back from the store thinking about it. I think my anxiety is getting out of control and my depression then kicks in hard-core and I then become really self hating and destructive and cry and just imagine every way possible I can get in a car crash and die. I see no reason why my boyfriend should want to be with me. I hate everything about me, the way I look the way I think, the way I act, the way I breathe, the way I exist. I just don’t see why I should even deserve anything. I’m completely useless, I have accomplished nothing, I provide nothing, I create nothing. So why do I need to even be around. I do often think how better off everyone would be with out me. Especially my boyfriend, he should just really find someone who is better suited for him. I’m not pretty, he should be with someone who is more attractive. I don’t do anything, he deserve’s a more active and game playing girlfriend. I chicken out, I get to anxious about social events that I will back out of them because of either I look stupid and don’t want to show my self in public to embarrass him or that there will be a lot of people I don’t know and wont know and I get super uncomfortable and nervous. I just think it is getting worse and worse with each passing week.

New job

So tomorrow I start my new job. It will be full time. Better pay and benifits. I’m nervous and excited. The work doesn’t see to difficult and I may even get to do some product photography too. I’m glad to be out of the kiosk more or less. I may stick around for some late evening shifts or something.  But I’ll be glad when I don’t have to try and play the should I say hi or not game when opening. Because 50% of the time  you seem mad and I know you just have that look sometimes but being on the other side of you its true I don’t know how to truly seem if you are or aren’t angry. But I did have a dream with you in it last night, ur family seemed cheerful and glad I am gone said you have been a better person. Didn’t fully understand that just guess your better with out me. Then you even came over to me we hung out and you said good luck. I thanked you we had a moment of uneasy ness and just parted. We did look back… I had hope this job will be good for me I need something stable in my life. Something that will matter and yet not matter. Maybe I’ll be able to move out on my own. (Yeah right…) I wouldn’t trust my self to do that even though I have been hoping for it. I just want my own little cave to crawl into and be mine. I hate the holiday season. Don’t do holiday stuff except give gifts… no lighting of trees not seeing lights no train. Just useless Cold and spending money. I should end this before I ramble stuff I should not say.

Why

Why is it that when u already feel down that everything else has to spiral w it.I feel less connected with friends which is probably my fault. Im forgotten about for family deals and that to is my fault I should have called because I should have known when they were meeting. And now I’ll be going to the cottage alone. I guess I must really suck that bad people dont want me around or cant remember to include me. You know what ever. It’ll be brushed under the rug again. Its fine. Ill be fine. You know I do just wish I could move it seems like it doesnt change anything at home. What sucks the most is I had a great weekend it was fun and I missed her is that the day had to end like this. Oh well. Ill be back to home life in 7 hours ish.

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posted on the go.

It’s 5am

It’s early and I’m awake. I didn’t have a smooth evening as I hoped. I mean my day was fine, I got to get coffee with a friend and chill for a bit. I played assassins creed when I got up. I watched futurama and just relaxed for a bit then played some D3 and gained 2 levels. Then I was triggered and had to stop playing for a while. The thoughts didn’t stop. I went to Bills to watch Lords of Salem the new Rob Zombie movie and the whole drive there I cried. All I could think about was what happened if I my car hit black ice my car tumbled many times, or my car slammed into something and I died instantly. And what I would want my last words to be or how I would hope how my friends and family understood how much I appreciated them. But alas I am still here and home in bed just thinking and listening to pysudopod pod case. A story a night I try.

I wish I updated as much as I think I am going to but I don’t. I think of great things I wish to share but then I just don’t. My thoughts get blocked by the time I’m ready to post. So please bare with me and my postings. Thank you.

December 4th

Today is my fathers birthday or at least would have been his birthday had he not passed away due to cancer. I lost him 15 years ago at the age of 7. Every year I on this day and fathers day I post his picture as mine on Facebook as a remembrance. I do remember as a kid one night I was up watching Scooby-Doo on Cartoon network, and I had told him I wanted a pair of stilts just like in the show. Scooby and Shaggy were walking around on them for some demonstration of that episodes ghoul or something I am not sure. But every year I like to try and remember as much as I can about him. I am afraid of forgetting and I don’t want to. It saddens me knowing one day I probably will.

No More Lies

She’s in the corner, the blue walls surround her. The sound of the faucet dripping, 1 by 1 the drops fall to their own rhythm. Its rather soothing. Her hands shaky, her body getting cold, breathing quickens as though she had ran a marathon. No longer will she be in pain, no longer will she feel the cause of troubles, no longer will she have to listen to the lies they all told her. Everything wasn’t okay, things were going to be okay. Not for her. They had all been lying to her for years. Years of false hope, feeling better being happy. It never would be okay, she felt nothing. Nothing they promised. She sat there on the tiles floor. Her body slowly fading. Soon its hard to hold her head up and things begin to spin. Her arms fall to her side, the last thing she hears is the rolling of the plastic container from grasp..

Enjoyment

I am at a club right now. Free addmission. And I hate it. I can’t enjoy it like I used to. I feel outta place depressed. I’m trying to enjoy it I love music and all. I even got my best friend Dane to come out and still nothing feel nothing just want to crawl in the corner and die. I feel like an emotional mess. I hate it,I hate my self, I hate this day.

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posted on the go.