Instead I lay awake next to your sleeping body. Wondering. Why I can’t find the rage I had so many times before. The one where I’m strong enough… The one where I can say no I deserve better. I lay here wondering how it is he can keep going if he’s noted so many times he’d be single or I’m wrong to these other girl when he doesn’t tell them to me. Or if I bring it up it’s all of a sudden not a problem bc we had either agreed on it or it apparently wasn’t really a problem to begin with. Clearly it must be if it’s important enough for you to tell these girls it’s a reason I’m a bad girlfriend. And how you might ask do I know these things…. yes yes I have lost trust so long ago. I’m living in what seems to be a rose tinted world with him. I learn by being snoopy. Am I proud? Do I get any satisfaction from it? No not at all. Not ever really. I know everyone I do I am brought 10 pegs down from where I was. I learn how much more worthless I am. Over all this emotion and anger and bullshit I still look at him and just break down. I’m a coward. I fucking pansy ass good for nothing coward. It’s been 3+ weeks and I’ve barely made progress. I was so sure I could do this… I still hope one day I can get the courage to finally end this torment.
So tonight I am watching Good burger for the first time. Its quite amusing. Its a good break from the day. Since today has been pretty terrible. I still am not adequate enough for my boyfriend, There are still woe is me comments made to other girls for attention. for example: I’m home alone again. to then have them reply with oh no why and its really unnecessary answers and some woe is me’s and you should be here’s. I’m sorry I have some plans, whether or not you want to join me are up to you most things I will not force you to do anything. We still live together like two people who live together but that’s more or less it. There is no romance, there barley was. Its a rather boring relationship. I have become so doubt full in the relationship its really sad. I have no trust. How’s am I to trust someone who doesn’t tell others hes happy with me who doesn’t tell me hes happy with me. How am i supposed to believe anything he says when he tell others something different. We have discussed this, it clearly didn’t resolve anything. It just turned us to now seek “relations” in other places if we so desire. I just want to have someone tell me they love me and show me they care. Something I am just not worthy of.